GUEST BLOG: Dear Rihanna

Well well, where to start? Girl you got too much going on! You had my sympathy vote after Chris played Rock em' Sock em' on your face...that is until you pulled a Paris Hilton, and somehow managed to find your tongue down any and every irrelevant nigga's throat. Then you were given the opportunity to work on your comeback. Which was supposed to be one of the most anticipated albums of the year *side eye*. But before your 99 cent release you just had to tell your story. And look at you now. Up in Cabo with some beefy Chris Brown knock off. Rihanna I'm sooo disappointed. Don't you know the cardinal break-up rule? Make sure your next is significantly better than your ex. You might as well be rolling with a bum off the street. This (I just rolled out the dug outlooking nigga) Matt Kemp character? First of all I thought he was just a member of your entourage. This dude doesn't even stand out. And what does he do again? Plays baseball? If he ain't A. Rod, he don't matter. Now, in this letter I have taken the liberty of making a list of suitable mates. Yes some of them are not available, but I heard homewrecking is the new black in Hollywood.

Option A. Usher-he’s available, I guess. Even though he’s into old ladies. He might... go for you. He seems to be all about attention as of late. Annnnd you two together scream DRAMA.

Option B. Lil’ Wayne- he has no standards. I mean yea he’s fertile, and if you not ready to be a mama, you might want to get some STRONG birth control. But if those things aren’t important to you, you should get at him in 3 to 5. Or you could try to get a conjugal visit. Kinky.

Option C. Kanye West- I know he’s suppose to be like your “brother” but come on now. You ain’t fooling nobody. Yea him and Amber seem to be pretty tight these days. But she looks like she doesn’t mind sharing so. All ya’ll could get it popping. Maybe you can get Ye’ on the weekends or something. I'm sure you'll figure out how to make it work.

Option D. Lebron James- yea him and his baby mama been together for like ever. But that ain’t nothing. You're freaking Rihanna. Hit up a Cavs game with one of them outfits from your Hard video, and you’ll be set.

My vote is for option A. Only because I think that drama would make for some interesting music. And because I think you and Lil’ Wayne would make some ugly kids. And Kanye is too busy finding himself.

Sincerely,
Kelz
http://longlivelavida.blogspot.com/